Is “rawfully” a word? My notes app is telling me it’s a misspell. But hey, call me an innovator of words.
In this post, I am going to get so incredibly real about some of the hurt that has been going on in my heart and soul. I can’t speak for the rest of my family, but I know these feelings are there in some way or shape or form.
So here we go. Deep breath in. And out. This is gonna suck to read and you will be sad. But that’s okay. You’ll be okay. You ARE okay.
My heart is broken. There are so many nights that I cry and cry and cry myself to sleep because of the impact cancer has had on my mom over the past six months.
I go to work and push off my worry for eight hours. This is a technique my therapist and I have worked on.
Right now I am on vacation with my family. Work is the furthest thing from my mind.
Has God ever done this to you? He strips away every single distraction until you are left with nothing but your pain... and Him.
He did that to me when I moved out West. I had no one. Just me and this new job and an apartment I shared with a total stranger. Jesus was quite literally the only answer.
You ever heard that?! “Jesus is the answer.” He was my only answer. The promise that He will make all things new and work all things together for my good.
I made it through multiple seasons of loneliness and insecurity by the grace of God. Don’t get me wrong, it was tough love. You ever heard “Hard Love” by NEEDTOBREATH and Lauren Daigle? I would BLAST that song in my ears as I ran. I had this image of being in a boxing ring with Jesus (yes, really). He’s throwing punches like “daughter, I am making you stronger.” Suffering produces perseverance, y’all.
It can be really easy to feel so drowned out and swallowed by our pain sometimes. And if we aren’t drowning, we may find other ways to drown ourselves.
Alcohol (done it). Relationships (yup). Social media (#sendit). Gossip. Exercise. Food. Sex. Porn. Television. Politics. Pride...
The list goes on.
The common “Christian“ thing to do at this point is talk about about how I am good and then wrap things up in a neat bow with a verse or quote or something.
Friends, I am not going to do that here. Because this is me writing in my deepest hurt and deepest pain. Pain that had the potential to worsen.
I won’t say that I , Kelly Marie Hinseth am “good.” Nah. I’m living a life between two gardens. A life between since the time man first sinned against God and the time when He calls me home. And it’s HARD.
My best friend is hurting and I pray and wish more than anything on this earth that I could make her better.
When I go to Jesus these days, it is me quite literally crawling, crying and exhausted.
Today, I was angry because of the inconvenient timing of the start of Julie’s treatment.
We had this beautiful time planned as a family. But Julie secured a spot in a great opportunity. So it was go time.
I started this prayer as follows:
“Hey, God... so... why now? Couldn’t she have waited a WEEK?!”
I had this beautiful vision of us together as a family. We’d get to tell each other how much we meant to one another and then hold hands and sing together (if you knew how incredibly NOT the Hinseth’s that picture is, you’d be laughing).
Guys, He answered.
“Kel. It’s not time to throw in the towel. No time to rest. She’s gotta keep going. She’s gotta keep fighting.”
Loud. And. Clear.
That’s what He said.
The fight isn’t over. Sometimes you need to limp into the locker room. You gotta grab a sip out of water, maybe stop the bleeding, maybe draw up a new game plan... and then get back out there after 15 minutes in order to play a full 60. (That was a hockey reference, btw).
That’s what Jules is about to do. New game plan. New period. She’s still down and cancer is up. She’s gotta play a full 60... and then maybe one or two overtime’s...